The Aftershock

Since I quit the ORU Dance Team one week ago, people have bombarded me with one specific question: WHY DID YOU QUIT? Hopefully this post will help you to understand.

As a freshman waltzing into college, it was difficult for me to comprehend the power of a time commitment. Being on dance team took up a large portion of my time. Between practices and games, I struggled to prioritize my life. I spent the month of December (Christmas Break) praying and listening to the Lord. I knew that if I continued to live my life by a routine, I would remain overwhelmed. I tried to brush the feelings aside, but finally dealt with them last Thursday at "ReFresh" (an event for ORU's community outreach leaders).

After spending an hour playing dodgeball, it was time to get serious- time to really "ReFresh." As the director of ORU Missions and Outreach, Bobby, began reading off all the outreaches for the semester, I felt tears fall from my eyes. As he spoke of the Boys and Girls Club, the Children's Medical Center, the Laura Dester Home, I realized that I had never wanted to volunteer this passionately in my entire life. The only problem was that I could not attend any of the outreaches- because i had to be at dance practice or games. Then an idea hit me: What if I quit?

Bobby then said, "Your ministry is your availability." I began to think of my availability. Truth is, I was not available to God. At 18 years old, I can go wherever He sends me. I don't have to be in college. I don't have to raise a family. I can simply live. The problem was not Dance Team. The problem was that I was in denial. I didn't want to face the fact that I was living a life in which I gave only one night a week to God. GOD CAME ALL THE WAY TO GET TO ME. HOW COULD I NOT BE RUNNING FRANTICALLY TO GET TO HIM? I then experienced a conversation with the Lord:

ME: Lord, I want to be available to you. But can I just wait until next semester? Just let me finish this semester being me. 

JESUS: I could come back tomorrow. What if i choose to come back for my children tomorrow?

ME: What if people call me a quitter? If my reputation is ruined? I'm just a freshman....

JESUS: I've been called much worse. 

ME: It's just that my whole life i've danced. That is what people identify me with. What will i be known for without that?

JESUS: I will change your identity. You will find who you are, in Me.

ME: I just don't know....

JESUS: Why did you come to ORU in the first place? Was it not to hear my voice? To learn to go when i say go?

ME: You're right.

JESUS: This is definitely my voice. So what will it be? Will you come follow Me?

ME: Yes.

So there you have it, the reason i quit. Being a collegiate dancer was a dream come true. I've been dancing since I was three years old. Dancing was expected of me. Yet even when my "greatest dream" was met, I had still felt empty. The Lord was teaching me that nothing of this world, even that which we revere highest, can fill us. He is the only one who can make us whole. In Him, I am a whole person. But it was imperative that he send this little earthquake my way, so that i could be blessed with the aftershock....

Three days after quitting, I was teaching a child how to roller skate. It was the exact time that I would have been at a parade for dance team. The child asked me, "Will you stay right beside me?" So I did. After an hour, I asked the child if he wanted to try it on his own. He begged me not to let go of his hand. I told him i would hold it as long as he needed. As he told me about his dreams and his family, i realized that this was my purpose. I am called to be a hand to the broken, the needy, the hurting, the lost. Even if this is the only aftershock to come my way, it is more than enough for me.

So now i will leave you with a few words- a commission, that changed my life 9 months ago when I walked on to the campus of Oral Roberts University for the first time. 

"Raise up your students to hear My voice, to go where My light is dim, where My voice is heard small, and My healing power is not known, even to the uttermost bounds of the earth. Their work will exceed yours, and in this I am well pleased."

-God's Commission to Oral Roberts

My First Earthquake

     To understand the blogs that are to come, you will need to know about a specific mile in my life, that I refer to as the First Earthquake. Once you know about this one, I can begin writing about my purpose for this entire blog:
     In January 2010, during my junior year of high school, I sat alone in my room crying. My parents were in the process of finalizing their divorce, a divorce that ripped our family apart and left me questioning everything. I was hurt and angry. I had just moved to Arkansas with my mother and sister. I had no contact with my father, and very little with my brother. Once I moved, my friends dropped me. As an immature teenager, it is hard to maintain relationships when you live five hours away from each other. The relationships losses were accompanied by a loss of material items. The move was so sudden that I only had two boxes of clothing and a purse to take with me. It felt like I had given up everything. I felt so alone. I began asking God, "Why would you do this to me?" over and over. Then I heard Him say, "I did nothing TO you, but everything FOR you." The problem was that I lived my life in a bubble. I thought that because I was involved in a plethora of organizations at school, because I volunteered, because I never committed the "big sins," because I was "the good girl" in my friend group, that I was doing everything right. My world was comfortable and stable. The divorce was simply the earthquake that shook everything up.
    While living in Arkansas, I had a lot of time to contemplate life. I did a lot of reading, and a lot of praying. When you come to a point in which God is literally the only being you can talk to, you realize how great His love for you really is. He began working on my heart. He taught me that I am never alone. As cliche as that sounds, this was the first time I felt that it didn't matter if I was surrounded by people, because I could be filled in a divine presence. Being a Christian was no longer about attending church and filling out my Bible study booklets. It was about loving Jesus with my whole heart.
     God then gave me a revelation in a simple sentence, "Pride seeks position. Humility seeks purpose." I had spent my whole life seeking position. DECA president, FCA officer, Every 15 Minutes Committee Chair, Miss Oklahoma Junior National Teenager, Student Council representative, the list goes on and on. My resume was impeccable in the eyes of the world. I was known for my involvement in school and the community. I was always content with my accomplishments, until now. At this time, junior year was just finishing and summer had come. I felt God pressing on my heart and telling me that senior year had to be different.  He had a plan for me if I would submit. However submission came with sacrifice. I gave up every office I held in school, every "position," except for being an FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) officer. I wondered what I would be known for now... what my identity would be? Would I even have one?
     This came as a shock to a lot of people. When they would ask why I quit certain organizations, I always replied, "God has something different for me." Most people could not understand. Then one day in September God placed an idea in my spirit. I had just watched the movie, To Save a Life. I was so fed up with "Christianity" at my school. If we lived how the church was intended to live, the "Christians" would not sit at a table by themselves in the cafeteria and people would actually feel welcome to enter the house of God. As I listened to the girls at my lunch table gossip, my skin began to literally itch. I had to get out. I knew that I was to start a daily Bible study during the lunch period at school. I asked my friend, Danielle, if she would do it with me. She said yes. We had no idea what was to come. However within two months the Bible study had exploded. The Bible study began meeting with four people outside on some benches known as the Prayer Square... then grew to fill a hallway... then grew to fill a classroom.... until there were 20-30 students on a daily basis.
     This marked the beginning of my journey of submission to the Lord, a journey that teaches me every day. A journey that constantly tests and pushes me to my limits, until I understand that all things are possible in the arms of a loving Lord. I am grateful to have experienced my first earthquake. If my parents had never divorced, if I had not moved to Arkansas for a period of time, if I had not had to give up nearly everything I owned, there is a great possibility that I would still be living in a nostalgic world of comfort and contentment. I don't want to be comfortable. I'm not called to be comfortable. I am called to live like Jesus. Do you think he was comfortable with the nails in his hands? With the thorns digging into his scalp? Do you think it felt good? No... today I encourage you to conquer your earthquake. When an earthquake strikes, there is a season of rebuilding. Remain confident in the promise that, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" -Ecclesiastes 3:1.